Saying Goodbye
by JohnnysGirl2
Summary: Johnny faces his grief and rage at the loss of a friend when he volunteers to write her eulogy. Inspired by the episode "Playing God".


Title: Saying Goodbye  
  
Date: November 20, 2003  
  
Author: JohnnysGirl2  
  
Spoilers: "Playing God"  
  
Disclaimer: All things The Dead Zone belong to anyone but me... Pity!  
  
Notes: This episode has turned out to be a bad habit for me! But it did inspire my very first Zonefic "To Know", and now it has inspired this one. This bit could qualify as a "missing scene" fic. I love Bruce, but there was no room for him in the actual episode. I figured that, as Johnny's best friend, he would be there to help Johnny deal with his grief as he tried to write Kate's eulogy. I also intend to write a fic on exactly what Johnny wrote in that eulogy, so stay tuned....  
  
~~~~~  
  
Johnny was on his third drink by the time I knocked on the door. I knew it by the way he swayed ever so slightly as he greeted me, and by the dull, hollow look in his eyes.  
  
"Hey, Bruce," he managed. "Wanna come in and join the party?" He laughed despite himself, flinging an arm in a wild arc at the non-existent festivity.  
  
"Johnny...," I started, dismayed.  
  
The smile fell away from his face. "Forget it," he muttered as he turned away.  
  
I followed him through the foyer and into the living room, stopping short as I surveyed the disaster. Pillows and sofa cushions were strewn everywhere, along with countless wads of paper and broken pencils. Thankfully, Johnny's laptop computer was on the coffee table, blissfully intact. Then I spotted the open liquor cabinet, and my heart sank.  
  
"Man... what's going on?"  
  
Johnny spun around on unsteady feet, fixing me with an incredulous stare. "What? Sarah didn't tell you? I mean, she's the reason you're here, right?"  
  
"Johnny..."  
  
He ignored me. "'Cause I sure as hell didn't call you. I'm not so wasted that I wouldn't remember calling you, that's for damned sure!" He continued muttering to himself as he poured another drink.  
  
"That's not what I meant, and you know it, John. Man, come on, don't--!"  
  
But it was already too late. Johnny slogged the drink down in one careless gulp, then turned on me, still gripping the glass in a white-knuckled hand.  
  
"What?" he shouted. "So you're going to make me say it? All right, fine! My friend is dead!" He inched closer, a wild look in his eyes. I resisted the urge to step back. "Kate is dead, Bruce. You know why? I'll tell you why." He stabbed an accusing finger into his own chest. "Because I killed her!"  
  
All I wanted to say to him suddenly seemed trite and empty in the face of his enraged grief, but I heedlessly plowed on. "Johnny, you didn't kill her. You know that. You even tried to save her! Sarah told me--!"  
  
"Yeah, right! Why let Kate die? Why not somebody else instead?" He turned away from me, his arms pinwheeling in frustration. "So I went to Purdy, and I asked him to play God for me!" He poured another drink, laughing bitterly as he turned to face me again, and the sound of it chilled me to the bone. "Really noble, huh? So I'm a hero, right? Yeah, I'm a goddamned saint!" What could have been a sob was choked down by the shot of liquor.  
  
"That's not gonna help, John."  
  
"Yeah? Well it sure as hell won't hurt, either!"  
  
"Are you sure about that? Because from what I understand, somebody else drowning his sorrows is the reason why Kate is dead!"  
  
It was the wrong thing to say, and I knew it even before Johnny grabbed the front of my shirt and pinned me against the wall. He drew his fist back, and I was dimly aware that he still had the shot glass in his hand. Man, this is gonna hurt! I thought. But I guess I've earned it.  
  
The sudden, sharp burst of breaking glass shattered my thoughts, and I opened my eyes.  
  
"Oh, man.... I'm sorry.... " Johnny released me, moving across the room to pick up the remains of the glass.  
  
"Whoa, hold on! Johnny, don't...!" I darted across the room and knelt down beside him, wincing as I saw the blood. "Aw, man, now look at this!" I carefully pried a shard out of his grasp, then looked around for something to wrap his bleeding palm with.  
  
Johnny backed away from the mess. "I'm sorry," he whispered.  
  
"It's okay, man. Don't worry, I'll take care of it." I wrapped his hand with a paper towel, convincing myself that it was the best I could do for the moment.  
  
Johnny sat down hard with his back against the wall. "I'm sorry," he repeated, his eyes wide and unseeing. "I'm sorry... I'm sorry... I'm sorry...." He was rocking back and forth, clasping his arms around his folded legs. Tears spilled down his face as he began to sob.  
  
I realized then that he wasn't apologizing to me. Feeling helpless and suddenly fighting my own tears, I sat down beside him and wrapped a comforting arm around his shaking shoulders. Not wanting to intrude too much, I leaned my head back against the wall, refusing to admit to myself that I couldn't bear to see Johnny cry.  
  
Long minutes later, his tears were finally drying, but the tense set of his shoulders told me that he had taken little comfort, if any.  
  
"I'm sorry," he said yet again, his voice raw and unfamiliar. He wiped the remaining tears from his face and looked at me with reddened blue eyes. "I shouldn't have taken any of this out on you, Bruce. I know you're just trying to help, and I appreciate it, but--."  
  
"But what? You want to 'go it alone', is that it? Johnny, I'm your friend. You can't expect me to just walk away, especially now!"  
  
He shook his head, offering a tremulous smile. Why doesn't that surprise me?" he chuckled.  
  
The glimpse of his usual dry wit eased my concern, but only a little. Then his smile faded, his gaze becoming distant once more as he kicked lightly at a wad of paper by his feet.  
  
"Maybe I could use your help," he remarked thoughtfully, as though it had just occured to him.  
  
"You bet!" I said eagerly. "Anything at all, man. Just name it."  
  
"Well, with the way things have been going for me this past year or so, you'd think I'd get used to saying goodbye, but... the eulogy...." He looked up at me again, striking me with the full force of his intense gaze. His eyebrows arched as he sensed my confusion. "Kate's eulogy."  
  
I nodded my understanding. As the son of a preacher, I had seen more than my share of funerals; heard far too many eulogies. But I knew the litany well. "All right, John. I'll help you. So what do you want the eulogy to say about Kate?"  
  
"I don't know." He sniffled, wiping a hand across his eyes, suddenly fascinated by the moisture that had collected there. "All I know is that the funeral is the day after tomorrow, and I have no idea what the hell to say!"  
  
"Well, there must be something," I reasoned. "Sarah said that you and Kate had been friends since high school. So, what about a memory? Maybe even a funny one. You know, something Kate said or did that made you laugh."  
  
"What is this supposed to be, a comedy revue?"  
  
"Come on, John! It's not a cardinal sin to laugh a little at a funeral! It helps to remember the good times, believe me. Now come on and work with me here!"  
  
A wry smile crossed Johnny's face. "Yeah, there were some times.... You know, Kate and I hung out almost every day during our senior year. Sarah, Jason and the others were there, too, but not all the time. Well, one day, Kate's boyfriend got it into his head that I was hitting on her, just because we were eating lunch together. So he and a couple of his goons yanked me out of the cafeteria and stuffed me into a garbage can. They were gonna roll it down the stairs with me in it, but Kate stopped them."  
  
"Really?" I couldn't contain my laughter. "Oh, man, that's rich!"  
  
Johnny tossed a wad of paper at me. "Hey, shut up. It's not that funny, and you're damn lucky there aren't any garbage cans in here large enough for me to stuff you into!"  
  
"Oh yeah?" I countered, still doubled over with laughter and trying to wipe the tears from my eyes. "You and what army?" I chucked the paper wad back at him.  
  
Johnny gave up, chuckling as he watched me recover.  
  
"So what happened next?" I asked when I finally got my laughter under control.  
  
"Nothing, really. I got out of the garbage can and put up a macho front while Kate bawled the guy out. Then she broke up with him. I swear he blamed it on me, and I went out of my way to avoid him for the rest of the school year!"  
  
"I'll bet!" I snickered.  
  
Johnny bit his lip as his laughter faded. "Aw, man.... I wish you could have met her, Bruce."  
  
"Yeah, me too, John."  
  
He didn't seem to hear me as he went on. "I mean, Kate was... she was sweet. And really down to Earth-- well, in her own way. She was gentle and kind-hearted, and she always put everyone else before herself. She was beautiful, inside and out. Man, I can't believe I never noticed it before, but she was. And her sense of humor.... She could always make me laugh, no matter how bad I was feeling...."  
  
"Sounds like she was a great person."  
  
"Yeah, she was. Only I never knew...." The tears in his eyes threatened, and he started rocking again. "I didn't know...."  
  
"What didn't you know, John?" I was desperate to keep him talking; to keep him from slipping back into his abyss of grief. I tightened my arm around his shoulders, steadying him.  
  
"She told me at the party that she'd had a crush on me in high school," he admitted, with a hint of a smile.  
  
I laughed, relieved. "I should have known! You were a ladies man, even then!"  
  
"Hardly, " Johnny laughed. Then the smile left his face as though it had never been there, and he pinned me once again with his stricken gaze. "I had it all wrong, Bruce. I thought I had all the answers, that I could save both Jason and Kate, but I couldn't. I was trading one life for another, no matter what I did! I couldn't see a way out. For Jason to live, Kate had to die. And I had to stand by and let it happen. Hell, I had to make it happen!"  
  
"Hold up! What do you mean, you had to 'make' it happen? John, my friend, you may have the power to see the future, but that doesn't mean--"  
  
"No, you don't understand. I had to send her away, Bruce! She was right here, reaching out to me, and I had to start the argument that sent her away and into that wreck... even after she told me that she loved me."  
  
I suddenly felt as though I had been punched in the stomach. "Oh, no.... Johnny... man, I am so sorry."  
  
"Yeah," Johnny whispered as his voice caught in a sob. "So am I."  
  
I thought he would start crying again, but he just sat there, his face a stone mask from which only the occasional tear escaped. We sat in silence for some time before my concern for him prodded me to speak again.  
  
"Hey, man, how's your hand?"  
  
"Huh?" He looked down at it as though seeing it for the first time, peeling away the makeshift bandage. "Oh, it's okay I think. Doesn't need stitches or anything."  
  
"Mind if I see for myself, doctor?" I wasn't asking. He smirked at me and offered his hand. I inspected the cut critically. "Yeah, well, you're lucky," I admonished him, releasing his hand.  
  
"Thanks, doctor," he quipped.  
  
I quelled a childish impulse to make a face at him, deciding instead to turn the conversation back to something I could actually help him with. "So... if you don't mind my asking, why were you chosen to write Kate's eulogy?"  
  
Johnny smiled ironically. "I wasn't chosen. I volunteered. Jason is recovering from surgery, so he won't be able to make it to the funeral, anyway. Besides, I... I owe it to Kate. She never knew how I really felt about her before she died. I'm not even sure I know. But I owe it to her to make sure she's remembered; to tell everyone how great she was. She was a beautiful person, and a better friend than I could have ever asked for."  
  
I smiled, getting to my feet. "Well, it sounds like you're doing just fine with that eulogy, John."  
  
He looked up at me with wide eyes. "What? Where are you going? I thought--"  
  
"You don't need my help anymore, man. You're doing fine. Just write from your heart."  
  
Johnny shook his head. "I'll try. But you're coming to the funeral, right?"  
  
"You know I'll be there for you."  
  
Johnny smiled, and for the first time that evening, the warmth of it reached his eyes. "Thanks, man."  
  
I clasped his outstretched hand in mine, helping him to his feet. The sudden tell-tale expression on his face got my attention.  
  
"What did you see, Johnny?" With him, it was almost a mantra.  
  
Johnny smiled again as his eyes focused once more on mine. "You were right. It's going to be okay... eventually. And you know something else? I think Kate is okay now, too. Maybe this time I won't have to worry about saying goodbye...." 


End file.
